The CAT...the Damned CAT!!

Ok, I love my fiance...let that be known. I love her and accept all that she brings to our relationship (which is 99.99% good stuff).

Here's where we discuss the remaining .01%...the CAT.

Actually my lovely Fiance brought TWO cats into our union, one is pure crazy and would take far too many words to describe, the other is a sweet little puff ball, that looks like she may have eaten an entire 10lb bag of tender vittles for breakfast, while chasing it with a 20lb bag of tender vittles. She ain't "slim".

This little bundle of joy's name is "Gert". I can only describe Gert as the "Tara Reid" of the Cat family. She has a "Smokers Meow" that would make Tara proud, displays a stupendously overextended belly that barely clears the floor and always looks like she just rolled out of her cat bed after a three day bender with Flava Flav and a baggie of cat nip. Gotta love her!

I like Gert best because she has the loveable attribute of being the "Cat that we never see". She is usually invisible except for the following occasions:

1. When she is tossing Jack's foam baseball down the stairs, carying it back up (while mewling) and repeating. This activity provides her hours of enjoyment and typically starts at approx. 11:45 PM. BUT I figure, we can't have a dog in the condo and at least she's exhibiting "dog like" behavior.

2. She hears the bag of cat food open. You will never see a fat cat more fleet of foot than Gert charging toward the cat food bowl..NEVER! You could light her on fire and she'd move slower...

So, all good right...a perfect cat, never see her and when you do she's acting like a slightly drunk / hungover dog. What could be better?

Well, the lovely and talented Gert has since taken up a new activity. Basically it involves this dainty 14lb cat perching herself on my chest about 1" from my face, while I am trying to sleep and swatting me in the face with her paw (with just a hint of claw, for good measure). This typically starts at about 5:30am EVERY MORNING!

My lovely Fiance has since mentioned that the lovely and talented Gert used to display this exact same behavior in her old stomping grounds (i.e. before she moved to Saco to live with me) however this bit of information was conveniently left out of the CAT conversation. I am told by the aforementioned Fiance, that this is a sign that the lovely and undainty Gert is comfortable in her new surroundings and has taken to me...can a guy get luckier??

I have not consulted my legal council (pending), but let it be known that my Fiance is now on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION. Should I find that the other crazy beast/ cat (who we'll not discuss at this time, suffice it to say she's NUTTIER than a Snickers bar) that roams our home exhibits similar or worse tendencies once she gets "comfortable", I believe there will be a renegotiation of the living space allocated to these creatures of the night

(see also: "Cats who live in a crate").